


momento hermano

by kxrapikaz



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Background Relationships, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Minor Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Neurodiversity, No Plot, Parental Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), Parental Leorio Paladiknight, Texting, Trans Alluka Zoldyck, alluka she/her nanika she/they, and ABBY for being sexy, autistic gon freecss, autistic kurapika, bisexual Leorio Paladiknight, canon? whos she? i only know gay and ruffled shirts and groupchats, chatfic, dumb bitches unite, epic gamer moment, everyone is neurodivergent, fun fact!! literally everything that happens in this is based on interactions i have had, gay kurapika, giggles, groupchat, hisoka gets decked, hisoka hate gang, hxh - Freeform, inconsistent updates, kalluto they/them, koorapeeka is now drowning in an indescribable emptiness, kurapika he/they, leorio and gon he/him, let kurapika be stupid god damn it, lord on god kalluto is me irl, more news at 10, nanika is allukas twin, non binary kalluto zoldyck, not really pika just yells at him for being gross, pika cant cook, plot is for losers, shoutout to dicksword server too, teehee, texting au, thank u kurapikano aka fin for letting me capitalise off of conversations ly bae, the gang has like 5 braincells between them, the gang r buds, the quality of this decreases more and more with each update i am so so sorry baes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 13,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrapikaz/pseuds/kxrapikaz
Summary: absolute loser: arent you guys together rnfrog: Yea but I think hes peeingpika: EXCUSE MElewhoreo: cuteabsolute loser: pees cutely[ pika has removed absolute loser from momento hermano .]pika: The next person to say the p** word will be bodyslammed into the concretelewhoreo: pee?pika: Bodyslams you sexilylewhoreo: cums-----------a plotless, modern-AU hxh chatfic. updated sporadically
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 287
Kudos: 782





	1. pee man??? fucking pee man????

**_[Kurapika, Unknown number: 12:38pm.]_ **

  
  


Unknown number: zepile? im here man

Unknown number: dude where the fuck are you

Unknown numbe _ r:  _ fucking bastard

Kurapika: Excuse me? 

Kurapika: I don’t know who Zepile is, but you have the wrong number

Kurapika: I don’t think he’d appreciate you calling him a bastard, though

Unknown number: fuck, sorry man

Unknown number: wait

Unknown number: are you a dude? 

Kurapika: I am, in fact, a dude

Kurapika: I don’t really see how this is relevant

Unknown number: it isnt

Unknown number: i dont think

Kurapika: I see

Unknown number: my names leorio, by the way

Kurapika: Thank you?

  
  


**_[One contact name has been changed:_ ** _ Unknown number _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ Leorio _ **_]_ **

  
  


Leorio: wait zepiles here

Leorio: bye man

You: Right. You too, I suppose?

  
  


*

**_[Leorio, Gon: 12:40pm.]_ **

Leorio: holy shit

Gon: Language

Gon: Whats up???

Leorio: i just texted the wrong number and called him a bastard

Gon: How?

Leorio: im not entirely sure

Leorio: he seems chill tho

Gon: Ooooh

Gon: Whats his name? ^^

Leorio: why?

Gon: Just curious!!!

Leorio: huh

Leorio: kurapika

Gon: WOOOOAH

Gon: I know someone called Kurapika!! Hes really smart :D

Gon: Its so cool that they have the same name!!!

Leorio: gon

Gon: Mhm?

Leorio: you know what? nvm

*

**_[Kurapika, Leorio: 12:45pm.]_ **

Leorio: hey again

Kurapika: Uhm. Hello again

Kurapika: Did you need something?

Leorio: yea

Leorio: question

Kurapika: Okay...?

Leorio: dyou know someone called gon

Leorio: tiny, looks about 12, stupid hair? 

Kurapika: Coincidentally enough, I do

Kurapika: I take it you do, too?

Leorio: mhm

Leorio: hes my buddy

Kurapika: Does that mean that you’re also twelve?

Leorio: nah, im 19

Leorio: you?

Kurapika: Eighteen. I’m a college freshman

Leorio: sweet!! whatre you studying?

Kurapika: Forensics, with a minor in criminal justice. What about you?

Leorio: medicine

Leorio: trainin to be a doctor and all that shit

Kurapika: I see

Leorio: kinda sucks tho lmao i havent slept properly in like 3 months

Leorio: average night is what, 4 hours? 

Leorio: that is HALF the amount i need

Kurapika: How ironic

Kurapika: Though, I can’t say I’m not in the same boat

Kurapika: I’d say I average between two and five, probably

Leorio: LMAO

Leorio: felt

Leorio: what uni??

Kurapika: Uhm

Kurapika: Hunter

Leorio: wait holy shti

Leorio: rlly???

Kurapika: Yes?

Kurapika: I don’t see why I would lie about that, so yes

Leorio: im also at hunter

Leorio: mightve seen you on campus

Kurapika: I’m not sure, the campus is enormous

Kurapika: Are you in student accommodation?

Leorio: yeah, too broke for an apartment so im in dorms

Leorio: my roommates chill though

Leorio: some kid called pietro

Leorio: fucker’s hilarious

Kurapika: Ah, same here

Kurapika: In regards to dorms, I mean. It’d be weird if we had the same roommate

Kurapika: I’m rooming with my friend, Pairo

Leorio: wait

Leorio: ok this is just weird now

Leorio: i am pretty sure that pietro knows him

Kurapika: bruh moment.

Leorio: PPFHBJFGHJHT

*

**_[Leorio, Gon: 12:55pm. ]_ **

Leorio: i cant believe i indirectly know kurapika through you and pietro

Gon: Killua knows him too :DD

Leorio: HOW

Leorio: how have i never heard of him i am your FATHER

Gon: Sorry!!!!!

Gon: OH!!!!

Gon: Im gonna make a chat :DDD

Leorio: what

*

**_[New conversation. Members: Gon Freecs, Leorio Paladiknight, Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika. 13:00.]_ **

Gon: Hi!!!!!!!! 

Gon: Turns out that Kurapika and Leorio are the only ones here that didnt know each other :((

Gon: So I made a chat!!! :))

Killua: sorry what

Killua: where am i

Killua: wait omg hi kurapeeka

Kurapika: I hate it here

Gon: What :((

Gon: Nooo :((((

Leorio: its ok

Leorio: i, for one, love it here

Killua: you would

Killua: old man

Killua: youre geriatric 

Leorio: im going 2 fight u

Leorio: square up, bitchboy 

Kurapika: Please, Gon. Don’t make me stay here

Kurapika: It’s offensive that you’d put someone as pretty as me with somebody as vile and as cretinous as  _ Killua,  _ of all people

Killua: HEY

Killua: OK WHAT THE FUCK NO

Killua: BASTARD

Gon: No!!!!! Dont fight 

Gon: Unless Im invited I wanna punch someone

Leorio: dude what the fuck

Leorio: lmfao that was brutal  _ @Kurapika _

Killua: ew ok every time i see these names i GAG

Killua: im changing them because you love me

Kurapika: Do we? Do we really love you, Killua?

Killua: youre going to wake up to eighteen spiders in your bed

Killua: bitch

**_[Killua Zoldyck has changed one username:_ ** _ Gon  _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ frog _ **_]_ **

**_[Killua Zoldyck has changed one username:_ ** _ Leorio  _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ lewhoreo _ **_]_ **

**_[Killua Zoldyck has changed one username:_ ** _ Kurapika  _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ kurapeeka haha piss joke _ **_]_ **

**_[Killua Zoldyck has changed one username:_ ** _ Killua  _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ cool man _ **_]_ **

cool man: i am genius

lewhoreo: and i am going to kill you

frog: :000

frog: God I love frogs

frog: Did I tell you I run a frog meme page??

kurapeeka haha piss joke: Send me Frog. 

frog: Omg ok wait

**_[frog has sent an attachment:_ ** _ frogwithhat.jpg _ **_]_ **

kurapeeka haha piss joke: Oh Lord He Is Rather Thicc

kurapeeka haha piss joke: I would love to kiss him oh-so-tenderly on his tiny frog lips.

kurapeeka haha piss joke: And his tiny little HAT

kurapeeka haha piss joke: Is that… Is that Dior?

lewhoreo: dude what the fuck

lewhoreo: and here i am… thinking that you were stoic and serious or whatever…

cool man: LMAO no

cool man: pee man is so stupid

kurapeeka haha piss joke: PEE MAN?????????????

kurapeeka haha piss joke: FUCKING PEE MAN???

**_[cool man has changed one username:_ ** _ kurapeeka haha piss joke  _ **_has been changed to_ ** _ pee man _ **_]_ **

pee man: Heart broke so many times </3

cool man: lol sucks to be you, pee man

pee man: You know what? Yes. It does suck to be me. Being me is tragic and I deserve so much pity. 

lewhoreo: ok pee man

pee man: Fucking hell

pee man: I thought we had a bond, Leorio. I truly thought the buds of friendship were blossoming between us; Oh how naive I was. I cannot believe - no, I truly can believe - that you would squander such a beautiful, hopeful thing. I hope you enjoy your bitter and miserable life without me. 

lewhoreo: @frog you forgot to mention how overdramatic this bitch is??????????????

frog: Oh ya he does that lol


	2. @pee man please the kids are talking about s-e-x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lewhoreo: omg group therapy??? thats cute   
> lewhoreo: it can be like family bonding
> 
> pee man: I’ve known you for a day
> 
> lewhoreo: ok and  
> lewhoreo: family bonding with the kids xx
> 
> cool man: dont most families go to the park or the movies when they wanna bond  
> cool man: not group therapy
> 
> frog: Killua  
> frog: Your entire family is LITERALLY insane shut up ://
> 
> cool man: fuck you  
> cool man: not in that way.

**_[cool man has changed the conversation name to:_ ** _ momento hermano _ **_]_ **

lewhoreo: im

lewhoreo: bitch that says brother moment you dumb slut 

cool man: yeah 💗

lewhoreo: im

lewhoreo: how many braincells do you even have

cool man: more than you haha old fucker

lewhoreo: listen here you toe-eyed cabbage. i wasn’t born into this world so your fat ass could choke out low level insults at me. i hope you stub your toe in the dark and have to crawl around your bedroom at 3:47am in horrific pain after going to the kitchen for a midnight snack of cheese and crackers you absolute gormless minger. 

pee man: Holy shit

pee man: @cool guy What flowers do you want at your funeral? Since Leorio just killed you and all ://

cool man: BITCH

cool man: YOU FUCKING BASTARD 

cool man: I WILL DESTROY YOUR BLOODLINE

leowhoreo: haha checkmate fucker i dont HAVE a bloodline this post was made by orphan gang 

cool man: oh goddamn it now i just feel bad 

cool man: fine

cool man: i'll destroy gon instead 

frog: Please dont destroy me omg :((

pee man: If you lay a finger on Gon, I will slit your throat, tear off your limbs and throw you into the ocean to rot. 

frog: PLEASE DON’T REMOVE KILLUAS LIMBS EITHER GOD YALL ARE MESSY 

frog: ME AND LEORIO ARE THE ONLY STABLE ONES HERE 

lewhoreo: its ok gon you dont need to lie 

lewhoreo: bold of you to assume that any of us are stable, really 

frog: Y’all need therapy

pee man: Fuck you I am perfectly fine. 

frog: posts that make you go hmmm

pee man: Bitch what 💗

lewhoreo: omg group therapy??? thats cute 

lewhoreo: it can be like family bonding

pee man: I’ve known you for a day

lewhoreo: ok and

lewhoreo: family bonding with the kids xx

cool man: dont most families go to the park or the movies when they wanna bond

cool man: not group therapy

frog: Killua

frog: Your entire family is LITERALLY insane shut up ://

cool man: fuck you

cool man: not in that way. 

frog: ;))

lewhoreo: i am not comfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today 

lewhoreo: @pee man please the kids are talking about s-e-x

frog: We know what sex is Leorio!!

pee man: Aren’t you like... eleven?

frog: HEY

frog: WE’RE SIXTEEN!!! 

pee man: Ah, my bad

pee man: I forgot

pee man: Y’know, because you’re both so short? 

frog: mY MOM SAID IM A LATE BLOOMER :(((

pee man: Yeah

pee man: Fucking clearly

cool man: isnt kurapika also short for his age 

pee man: NO?

pee man: I’m 5’7, you fucking cretin

lewhoreo: hate to break killuas bubble but kurapika is in fact average 

lewhoreo: me on the other hand

cool man: yeah yeah we know youre stupidly tall with your gross gangly limbs 

pee man: How tall?

cool man: 6’4 

pee man: BRUH

pee man: Brb, crying 

pee man: There is almost an entire FOOT between us 

pee man: That is utterly revolting 

pee man: I hate it here 

cool man: you always hate it here 

cool man: im like 99% certain you wouldnt know love if it punched you in the chin and stood on your throat

pee man: Okay but that’s hot

cool man: MBCVD ZBNDSHJVJHFDKJSDHFBJKSVSHJF BITCH WHAT 

cool man: BLOCKED AND REPORTED 

pee man: ;)

lewhoreo: no 💗

frog man: Kurapikas a masochist???????????

cool man: PLEASHAFEJSHJSDFH I CANT BREATHE 

lewhoreo: just open your lungs

lewhoreo: trust me i am a med student 

cool man: bitch i wouldnt trust you to come within ten metres of me 

cool man: idc what your degree says 

lewhoreo: WOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI SORRY FOR DELAYED UPDATE IT HAS BEEN HECTIC IVE BEEN WORKING ON BIRTHDAY GIFTS AND ALSO PROCRASTINATING A LOT BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS BSNV CBNV THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SWEET COMMENTS ASF <33 KISSES YOU ALL TENDERLY ON THE FOREHEAD AS I WEEP ;v; 
> 
> IF THERES ANYTHING YOU WANT 2 HAPPEN OR A DIRECTION YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THIS FIC IN PLEASE LET ME KNOW I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YALL WANT ASF


	3. What's a komaeda?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cool man: how did the child bullying go
> 
> lewhoreo: wonderfully
> 
> lewhoreo: i insulted one of their kins and they blocked me

**_[momento hermano]_ **

lewhoreo: hello children and kurapika i am in dire need of assistance

pee man: Put the body on ice and send me your location, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes

lewhoreo: WOAH okay no not that kind of assistance

lewhoreo: jesus christ

lewhoreo: mildly concerned but back on topic

lewhoreo: im in an argument in the comments of a discourse post and i need some insults 

lewhoreo: ‘silly cunt’ is getting boring ive used it like 15 times already

pee man: Aren’t you nineteen?

pee man: Why are you engaging in discourse arguments?

pee man: Are you aware that they’re all, like, fourteen?

pee man: Leorio, you’re bullying children

lewhoreo: irrelevant these children deserve to burn

pee man: Huh

cool man: oh shit we’re bullying people???????

cool man: today just keeps getting better

cool man: ill send a list of top tier insults

lewhoreo: thank you brat

cool man:  **_KILLUA’S TOP GOD TIER INSULTS TO ABSOLUTELY SLAUGHTER CHILDREN WITH:_ **

_ one. doodoohead _

_ two. nerd _

_ three. dingus _

_ four. you stink _

_ five. where are you from, loser? are you from losertown? because youre a loser _

_ six. Diaper Man _

lewhoreo: jesus fuck why do i bother

frog: I can help!!!   
  


lewhoreo; youre my final hope, gon

frog: ‘Your moms preferred diaper brand was probably huggies you fucking twerp’

frog: Boom roasted

lewhoreo: blocked

lewhoreo: you are useless. all of you.

lewhoreo: i was gonna rely on kurapika but i think hes too busy committing a murder from the sounds of things 

pee man: Sorry?

pee man: Oh, right

pee man: I’m afraid I can neither confirm nor deny that one

lewhoreo: definitely murder, then

cool man: i cannot believe that you simply didnt invite me

cool man: i wanna commit a felony 😔

pee man: Sorry, felonies are for adults only

pee man: Maybe another time

cool man: god i hate this household. 

cool man: am i not a cool man?

cool man: felonies are for cool men. 

frog: You arent a cool man, Killua

frog: You are a total penishead 

lewhoreo: WOAH there kids

lewhoreo: please play nice 

pee man: No, let them

pee man: @frog @cool man You have full permission to Scrap 

lewhoreo: NO

lewhoreo: please for the love of god no scrapping

frog: No i kinda agree 

frog: I dont wanna give leorio an early heart attack his body is old enough as it is

lewhoreo: okay fuck you guys ill go bully children alone 

***

cool man: how did the child bullying go

lewhoreo: wonderfully

lewhoreo: i insulted one of their kins and they blocked me

cool man: oh my god

cool man: i take it back you are my singular role model 

pee man: What?

pee man: Like… next of kin?

pee man: I’m so confused

cool man: ohmygod 

cool man: no

cool man: like. komaeda kins?

pee man: What’s a komaeda?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i dont know how i feel about the implications that komaeda exists in the hxh universe or that killua knows who komaeda is... alas, we vibe 
> 
> apologies for maybe inconsistent updates my mental health is semi poop and my friends are all also doing poop and i have priorities but i am trying... i promise......... 
> 
> ANYWAYS IM ALMOST FINISHED W THE CHIMERA ANT ARC... ALMOST TIME TO SEE LEORIO AGAIN..... AND A LL U K A I AM SCREAMING


	4. what the fuck man.. kids dont tell me shit </3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAYBE TWS:  
> mentions of gross hisoka shit. i.e. p//dophilia, grooming, harassment etc. it isnt detailed (mentioned, briefly and in passing, but still there), but be careful if that's likely to trigger you. if you'd prefer to skip the mention, skip to   
> 'Leorio: date???????? what the fuck man.. kids dont tell me shit 

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Leorio: hey

Kurapika: Hello? 

Leorio: its leorio

Kurapika: Yes

Kurapika: I’m well aware

Kurapika: I was just caught a little off guard since we’ve been mainly speaking in the groupchat, that’s all

Leorio: OH OOPS

Leorio: anyways uh

Leorio: i was wondering if you know anything about murder

Kurapika: Excuse me?

Kurapika: Sorry, why the fuck?

Leorio: some fuckass creep keeps talking to gon and i am so close to committing a murder

Kurapika: A creep?

Leorio: yes, pika

Leorio: a creep

Leorio: a Raging Pedophile

Kurapika: Who.

Kurapika: Who is this. 

Leorio: some guy called hisoka???

Kurapika: Oh HELL no 

Kurapika: Not on my watch

Leorio: exactly

Leorio: its obvious as fuck that gons uncomfortable around him 

Leorio: and even killua noticed

Leorio: but he wont fuckin do anything 

Kurapika: He needs to stay away from Hisoka

Kurapika: As far as possible

Leorio: woah woah wait

Leorio: do you know him??

Kurapika: Sort of

Kurapika: There was an incident that linked him to my family. I’d rather not get into technicalities, but he’s dangerous

Kurapika: Don’t underestimate him

Leorio: shit, okay

Leorio: what do we do?

Kurapika: In all honesty, I think chaperoning Gon and Killua would be the best bet, at least until he backs down a little 

Leorio: hmm

Leorio: idk how gon would feel about that

Leorio: kid hates authority 

Leorio: i think he would rather swallow glass than be told what to do

Kurapika: I’m aware

Kurapika: But I want to minimise the risk of Hisoka figuring out where he lives, or who he talks to

Kurapika: I’m adept enough in combat that I’d be able to fight if necessary

Leorio: you scare me more every time we talk

Leorio: but that might have to work??? idk

Leorio: we should discuss with gon before anything else

Kurapika: I guess so

Kurapika: Later, though 

Kurapika: I think he’s with Killua right now - I’d hate to kill the mood and their date 

Leorio: date???????? what the fuck man.. kids dont tell me shit </3

Kurapika: I think so

Kurapika: I spoke to Alluka, she mentioned that they were going to the movie theatre 

Kurapika: A movie about trolls, I think?

Leorio: Trolls. 

Leorio: these bitches went on a date. to watch trolls world tour.

Leorio: disappointed but not surprised ngl 

Kurapika: Trolls world tour? What?

Kurapika: I‘m confused

Leorio: god how old are you

Leorio: im convinced that you arent 18

Leorio: are you sure you arent 54

Kurapika: Bitch, please

Kurapika: I’m too pretty to be fifty-four 

Leorio: ill have to take your word for that one 

Kurapika: I suppose you will 

Leorio: hey pika

Leorio: question 

Kurapika: Yes?

Leorio: why are you so formal here 

Leorio: in the chat youre so chill 

Kurapika: Bold of you to assume that I’m not a naturally chill guy 

Leorio: no seriously you type like an old teacher or an english professor 

Kurapika: I mean, this isn’t my first language 

Kurapika: I learned from whatever I could get my hands on, so it’s more formal than it probably should be

Kurapika: But… I think it’s mostly a comfort thing 

Kurapika: I’ve known Gon and Killua for two years now, so naturally I’ll be more relaxed around them 

Kurapika: I promise it’s nothing personal, though 

Leorio: oh

Leorio: okay makes sense 

Leorio: i thought i managed to piss you off already 

Kurapika: Pfft

Kurapika: No

Kurapika: I’m just terrible at talking to people 

Leorio: really???

Leorio: you struck me as confident

Leorio: like, you have this really dominant presence

Kurapika: God, no

Kurapika: I’m… disgustingly awkward the majority of the time

Kurapika: You know the kid that was known for sitting in the back of the class and only spoke up when it was time to play the devil’s advocate in class debates? 

Leorio: ew, yeah

Kurapika: That was me

Kurapika: Probably still is 

Leorio: oh my god

Leorio: youre a socially awkward ass 

Kurapika: Don’t be rude 

Kurapika: I never came here to be bullied 

Leorio: LMFAO

Leorio: whatever helps you sleep at night, pika

Kurapika: Pika??

Leorio: yeah

Leorio: its cute

Leorio: but i can stop if you dont like it 

Kurapika: Oh

Kurapika: No, no -- It’s… cute 

Kurapika: I don’t mind it 

Leorio: mkay, pika :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI OHHFBDNHKF FVHJVFJDBFJKFDBFD ???????????????????????????????????????????// i finished,.. hxh.............. thanking togashi for the succession arc of the manga because mmm kurapika exists but also... am dreading the day i finish the manga............... the anime killed me enough already man i cant take any more of this shit 


	5. mommy doctor heal me please~~ nya~~ >.<

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gon: Hes such a dad
> 
> Leorio: i thought i was dad
> 
> Gon: Nah  
> Gon: You can be mom though!!!  
> Gon: Momorio and dadapika
> 
> Leorio: i dunno how to feel about the fact that pika is my co-parent
> 
> Gon: Pika? Thats so cute omg…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAYBE TW: mentions of stalking and general gross hisoka behaviour. to avoid reading, skip the beginning part up until 'Kurapika: And what if you can’t? What if he does the same to Killua?'.

**_[Kurapika, Gon.]_ **

Kurapika: Hey

Kurapika: You’re back from the movies, right?

Gon: Mhm!! Just dropped Killua back at Biskys house 

Gon: It was fun :3

Kurapika: Good

Kurapika: I’m glad

Kurapika: Are you busy right now?

Gon: Uhhhhhh

Gon: Nope!! I was about to help Mito make dinner but if u wanted to talk we can :D

Kurapika: Alright

Kurapika: I’ll try to keep this brief 

Kurapika: You need to be careful

Kurapika: Particularly around Hisoka 

Gon: OH RIGHT

Gon: Yeah he tried to follow us back home earlier lolol

Gon: But its fine I think we lost him on the way 

Kurapika: Gon..

Kurapika: You do realise how serious this is, right?

Gon: Itll be fine, he wont do anything I hope 

Kurapika: Is Mito aware? Or Bisky?

Gon: Nope

Gon: Just me you Killua and Leorio 

Kurapika: You need to tell somebody 

Kurapika: He’s almost double your age, Gon

Kurapika: There’s only so much that Leorio and I can do 

Gon: Its okay!! I can control it!!!

Kurapika: Gon

Kurapika: With all due respect to yourself and Killua 

Kurapika: Hisoka is literally harassing you. You need to tell somebody

Gon: …

Gon: Ill maybe tell Bisky if he doesnt stop 

Kurapika: Why Bisky? 

Kurapika: Why not Mito??

Gon: Dude

Gon: Mito would lose her shit 

Gon: She locked me out for lying once, do you really think shes gonna react well to me saying ‘omg hi aunt Mito theres this gross clown guy that follows me home from school every day and sometimes stares at me through my window’ :|

Kurapika: What the  _ FUCK _ , Gon 

Kurapika: Every day??

Kurapika: And your  _ window _ ?? 

Gon: Yea

Gon: Yknow that huge cedar tree in Mitos backyard

Gon: Me and Killua are like 98 percent sure he was in there once 

Kurapika: Fucking hell, Gon

Kurapika: I don’t trust cops to deal with this shit but you need to promise that you’ll tell us if he does anything else

Kurapika: I mean anything

Kurapika: Even if he just looks at you in the street 

Kurapika: We need to know. 

Gon: Sure

Gon: I dont really see what the big deal is

Gon: Like it makes me uncomfortable but he hasnt actually done anything 

Gon: I dont wanna cause a scene or some shit yknow 

Kurapika: Except this is the sort of situation where a scene should definitely be caused 

Kurapika: You’re being stalked by a twenty-eight year old. I don’t see how this could be anything but an issue 

Gon: I can handle it I told you 

Kurapika: And what if you can’t? What if he does the same to Killua?

Kurapika: You need to think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed here 

Gon: Id be uncomfortable I guess? I dont want Killua to get hurt. Ever. Hes my best friend in the world

Kurapika: And why shouldn’t he feel the same way about you? Why shouldn’t any of us feel the same way about you? 

Gon: Ill think about it 

Kurapika:  _ Thank  _ you 

Kurapika: I need to get back to work now, so I’ll talk to you later

Kurapika: Probably 

Gon: Mkay!! 

Gon: Love u <33333333

Kurapika: Love you, too 

***

**_[Leorio, Gon.]_ **

Leorio: hey kid 

Leorio: you got time to talk??

Gon: If this is about Hisoka ive already been lectured 

Leorio: by kurapika?

Gon: Yeah

Gon: Hes such a dad

Leorio: i thought i was dad

Gon: Nah

Gon: You can be mom though!!!

Gon: Momorio and dadapika

Leorio: i dunno how to feel about the fact that pika is my co-parent

Gon: Pika? Thats so cute omg…

Leorio: stfu

Leorio: besides

Leorio: doesnt dadorio and mamapika work better 

Gon: I mean yeah

Gon: But you have MOM energy

Gon: Not dad

Leorio: if you used your braincells you would realise that i am clearly your father

Gon: Whats a braincell I dont have that?? 

Gon: Anyways

Gon: Youre my mom now

Leorio: fuck you

***

**_[momento hermano]_ **

lewhoreo: PUBLIC SURVEY TIME..

lewhoreo: @frog THINKS I HAVE MOM ENERGY WHICH I DON T BECAUSE I HAVE DADDY ENERGY

frog: YOU DO

frog: YOU HAVE MOM ENERGY!!?

cool man: daddy energy

cool man: really

cool man: do you even think? have you ever had a thought before you speak?

frog: Also yeah never say daddy energy again I think Im gonna cry

lewhoreo: oh fuck you i can be a daddy if i want 

pee man: What’s this about daddies??

pee man: Oh

pee man: OH

pee man: 👁👁

cool man: gay

pee man: Okay no

pee man: What are you talking about aha ha ha I am straight ahaha show me ur titties babygirl...

lewhoreo: so pika can say that monstrosity but i cant say i have daddy energy

lewhoreo: fuck you

lewhoreo: i see how it is

cool man: ur mommy

cool man: mommy doctor heal me please~~ nya~~ >.<

pee man: jdcdkfnmcvvmf.djklvnkjvbm v:@~:~>SDMFNESDHDSvhfaskvnmnca??????????????????????????????????

lewhoreo: holy shit you killed him you killed pika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise theres gonna be more shenanigans soon.. but also... plot is a thing and i may have overlooked that so uh....... whoops i guess lol


	6. cool man: tell momelody to feed me too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> apologies in advance for the 8 different plot points LMFAO this is truly carnage and also me writing out of my ass at this point 
> 
> also WOAH kalluto, alluka, nanika and melody exist woah............ 
> 
> double also!! hisoka being gross will def be a continuous plot point for the time being but yall deserve a break from clown shit .. so like. take some zoldyck family tea instead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POTENTIAL TW: impied child ab//se and/or other zoldyck bullshit. to avoid reading, skip between 'cool man: custody battles are a BITCH' and 'cool man: chile anyways'

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

frog: Hey yall

cool man: did you just say yall

frog: Yeah???

**_[_** _cool man_ ** _has removed_** _frog_ **_from_** _memento hermano_ ** _.]_**

lewhoreo: damn

lewhoreo: kid was just tryna vibe

cool man: bitch he said yall

cool man: that’s one of the seven deadly sins, yknow

cool man: motherfucker is on his way down to hell as we speak

pee man: You’re saying that as if this chat isn’t already the embodiment of hell

cool man: actually

cool man: yeah

cool man: what was he thinking when he made this

lewhoreo: family bonding 

lewhoreo: weve been over this bruh 

cool man: OH

cool man: SPEAKING OF FAMILY BONDING

cool man: I SEE ALLUKA AND NANIKA TODAY

lewhoreo: YOOOO

pee man: Tell them I say hi 

pee man: Will Kalluto be there?

cool man: idk maybe

cool man: ig it depends if mom lets them

pee man: Oh, right

pee man: They still live with your parents, right?

cool man: yeah

cool man: custody battles are a BITCH

pee man: Custody battles? You mean you’re going through with this?

pee man: Aren’t you underage??

cool man: i mean yeah

cool man: but i also have fully forged documents

cool man: as far as the court knows, im nineteen and i work at a best buy 

pee man: Holy shit 

lewhoreo: you can say that again

lewhoreo: but DUUDE

lewhoreo: im very happy for you and i hope shit goes well

cool man: god so do i

cool man: alluka and nanika are living with me and bisky rn because they were both technically disowned and im the third oldest

cool man: it was either me, illumi or milluki

cool man: but i need to get kalluto outta there asap

cool man: theyre still a kid, they dont deserve to be going through this shit rn

pee man: Wait a moment

**_[_ ** _ pee man _ **_has added_ ** _ frog  _ **_to_ ** _ momento hermano _ **_.]_ **

frog: HOLY FUCKING SHIT KILLUA 

frog: CUSTODY??

cool man: yes

cool man: hopefully we can expose the shit that mom and dad did too

pee man: That would definitely be ideal

pee man: But you should focus on keeping your siblings safe first

pee man: Once Kalluto is out of there, go for it, though

cool man: yeah 

frog: Would Kalluto come live with u guys??

cool man: id have to run it past bisky first

cool man: but im hoping so

cool man: i think theyd get along because kalluto is so quiet 

cool man: also i genuinely think they would let bisky dress them in whatever alluka and nanika say no to

frog: Awwww

frog: Thats cute!!

frog: Wait omg what if we added Nanika and Alluka 

frog: And maybe also Kalluto idk if they have a phone tho 

cool man: absolutely not

cool man: my parents dont know about any of you guys aside from fuckin leorio

cool man: and thats only because they saw him when he dropped me home a couple of months back 

cool man: im p sure theyre trying to get milluki to track all of our phones anyway 

lewhoreo: isnt that

lewhoreo: like

lewhoreo: illegal tho

cool man: dude literally everything theyve ever done to me or my siblings has been illegal, do you really think theyd care

lewhoreo: fuck youre right 

cool man: chile anyways

cool man: i ate chalk earlier

cool man: kinda tasted like shit

frog: Oh yeah chalk is awful

frog: Good crunch tho!!! 

frog: But then it turns to paste in your mouth and you feel like death 

cool man: EXACTLY

cool man: its kinda good for like… 5 seconds… and then its fucking wet and all over your teeth and your mouth tastes like paper 

pee man: Why 

pee man: Why were you eating chalk? 

cool man: looked crunchy

cool man: curiosity is a bitch bro 

pee man: Dude… shit aint HEALTHY

lewhoreo: can confirm that shit is not in fact healthy 

lewhoreo: did you swallow it

cool man: duh im not a fucking pussy 

frog: Damn I spat mine out 

pee man: Please for the love of god can you guys think before you speak 

pee man: I’m in class I can’t afford to be laughing at unintentional dick jokes

pee man: Knov is staring at me please guys 

lewhoreo: why are you on your phone if youre in class 

pee man: Because you guys keep blowing this shit up?? 

pee man: Also I would simply love to be not sitting here right now 

pee man: Why aren’t YOU in class 

lewhoreo: i had my lab like three hours ago

lewhoreo: i have a lecture at 4pm though i hate it here 

pee man: Fuck gotta go before Knov flays me alive 

cool man: bye pee man 

pee man: BITCH. 

lewhoreo: OHJBNHJHJHJDBJKBDNMC 

lewhoreo: MELODY JUST SHOWED UP AT MY DORM WAIT WAIT 

frog: TELL HER I SAY HI 

frog: HI MOM I LOVE YOU 

cool man: TELL HER I ALSO SAY HI 

lewhoreo: SHE SAID HI BACK 

lewhoreo: SHE ALSO SAID DRINK SOME WATER 

lewhoreo: fun fact i dont even know why shes here 

cool man: doesnt she live like an hour away 

lewhoreo: YEAH

cool man: bruh..

lewhoreo: ??????? shes just sittin there 

lewhoreo: GIRL WHAT

cool man: WHAT

lewhoreo: shes such a queen she came to FEED ME 

lewhoreo: shes like

lewhoreo: my legal mom now 

frog: I thought Cheadle was ur mom?????

lewhoreo: yeah

lewhoreo: but shes my work mom

lewhoreo: melody is my MOM

cool man: momelody

cool man: tell momelody to feed me too

lewhoreo: no fuck off shes MY MOM

lewhoreo: go ask bisky

cool man: no ew shes just gonna give me a protein shake and a chicken salad and tell me to get over it 

lewhoreo: haha bitch 

lewhoreo: melody brought me an ENTIRE PIE

lewhoreo: i swear .. i would die for this woman…. 

pee man: Hi I’m hiding in the bathroom

pee man: WAIT 

pee man: MELODY?????????????????

lewhoreo: YEAH

lewhoreo: MELODY

pee man: I know you were entirely joking when you called her your mom but like

pee man: She is legitimately my foster mother

pee man: Melody is MY mother, whore 

lewhoreo: WHAT

lewhoreo: WHAT THE FUCK??????

lewhoreo: bye

lewhoreo:  🗿

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is well and truly kalluto loving hours rn NCBXNMDBSHJFB god i would die for them. kalluto zoldyck stans rise the fuck up right fucking now !!!!!
> 
> also melody is kurapikas mom because i say so and also because i love her with every ounce of my body she is a queen.. a legend... an icon... a true darling......


	7. belle delphine water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi sorry in advance for shaky plot!! i promise i have a general idea for a plot but it migjt take a lil while to become fully clear/fully fleshed out because i am entirely bullshitting as i go along here

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

lewhoreo: hey kids guess who  **I** just saw!!!! 

frog: Who?? :00

lewhoreo: fucking hisoka 

frog: Where???

lewhoreo: fucker was in chipotle 

lewhoreo: i hope the worker spat in his damn burrito 

pee man: EW

pee man: Bitchass deserves to have his burrito spat in 

pee man: I hope he gets herpes 

lewhoreo: he definitely got herpes from the belle delphine water

pee man: Who? What???? 

pee man: I’m begging you, speak like a normal human

cool man: where were you even raised

cool man: under a rock or some shit??

cool man: even i know who belle delphine is 

frog: Hahah I think I know someone who drank the belle delphine water 

cool man: WHO

cool man: WHO DRANK THE FORBIDDEN WATER 

frog: UHHHHHHHHHH

frog: I think it was zushi????????? idk tho 

cool man: FUCKIN ZUSHIDBJDHCDB

cool man: its always the quiet ones bro.. 

pee man: Okay, I googled it 

pee man: What the fuck where am I

cool man: @lewhoreo arent you subscribed to her onlyfans 

lewhoreo: SHUT UPBDJK BASTARD

pee man: I think I am regretting this

pee man: I’ve seen far too many

pee man: Uhm

pee man: NSFW images 

pee man: I do not like it here in the slightest

cool man: damn bro chill its just a catgirl

pee man: ?????????????????

pee man: What??

cool man: yknow

cool man: like

cool man: furry but make it sexy 

pee man:  _?????????????????????????????? _

lewhoreo: yo is anyone gonna mention the fact that killua is familiar with belle delphine

cool man: everyone is wtf

lewhoreo: yeah but ur 12

cool man: motherfucker im sixteen 

pee man: You look 12

cool man: BASTARD

cool man: i do NOT

cool man: if anyone looks 12 its gon

frog: Hey!!

frog: Mito says Im still growing :((

cool man: mito is a bitchass liar 

pee man: Do NOT say that about Mito

pee man: Mito is an angel 

pee man: Who fuels my caffeine addiction

pee man: And therefore I hold nothing but respect for her 

lewhoreo: UGH stan mito freecss 

lewhoreo: oh shit brb i think pietros trying 2 burn down my dorm 

pee man: What

pee man: How

lewhoreo: he tried to make nuggets

lewhoreo: put them on 3500 for 2 minutes instead of 350 for 20

pee man: Where the fuck did you get an oven that goes up to 3500

lewhoreo: blowtorch 

pee man: B

pee man: Blowtorch

pee man: I fear for your safety 

lewhoreo: its okay hes done worse lmfao 

pee man: Am I the only one with a semi-normal roommate or 

lewhoreo: wdym

pee man: I mean, Killua has Bisky 

pee man: Which says enough 

pee man: I’m pretty sure Gon lives with a family of raccoons 

frog: Ya theyre my buds 

pee man: And then there’s you 

cool man: ion like the implications that i willingly moved in with bisky

frog: But you did

cool man: wait yeah LMFAO nvm 

lewhoreo: hey so you know how i saw hisoka earlier 

lewhoreo: i just saw him AGAIN!! 

pee man: What 

lewhoreo: i went to pick up a package and he was just

lewhoreo: the r e

pee man: I swear he is so, so gross 

pee man: I’m gonna curb stomp him the next time I see him 

cool man: film it 

cool man: please 

lewhoreo: dw king itll go on tiktok 

frog: You have tiktok???

lewhoreo: what college student doesnt have tiktok

lewhoreo: except pika

pee man: Excuse you

pee man: I have tiktok 

lewhoreo: you WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh mito stans reveal urselves 
> 
> chile anyways i apologise in ADVANCE for any janky ass updates lmfao i have gcses and a shit ton of other exams or whatever coming up abd my crippling fear of failure says NO to anything below an A rip
> 
> i will TRY to update semi consistently but also i cant guarantee anything because honestly school gotta come first here 😞
> 
> also my laptop may be slowly dying?? this shit sounds like shes gonna blow up or some shit so there may be a delay if she commits aliven't idk


	8. Friendship ended with Ging now Kurapika is my best friend

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

pee man: I’m begging you, please change my username

lewhoreo: yeah why the fuck does killua have admin but we dont 

lewhoreo: i thought u loved us, gon??

frog: I do!!!! But Killuas my best friend :DD

cool man: get fucked 

cool man: pee man is never gonna change 

***

**_[Kurapika, Gon.]_ **

Kurapika: Give me admin 

Kurapika: I’ll buy you a slurpee and some gummi worms if you do

Gon: Add a hash brown to that and you have a deal 

Kurapika: Fine 

Kurapika: I’ll pick you up in five minutes 

Gon: Just drop it off at Mitos house???

Kurapika: Come on

Kurapika: It can be a father-son bonding activity 

Gon: Okay sure 

Gon: Friendship ended with Ging now Kurapika is my best friend 

***

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

**_[_ ** _ frog  _ **_has made_ ** _ pee man  _ **_admin of_ ** _ momento hermano _ **_._ ** _ pee man  _ **_may now edit chat icons, member usernames and chat names.]_ **

cool man: WHAT

cool man: NO

cool man: WHAT THE FUCK

pee man: Haha

**_[_ ** _ pee man  _ **_has changed their name to_ ** _ pika _ **_.]_ **

**_[_ ** _ pika  _ **_has changed_ ** _ cool man  _ **_to_ ** _ absolute loser _ **_.]_ **

**_[_ ** _ pika  _ **_has removed admin from_ ** _ absolute loser _ **_.]_ **

pika: Get fucked, asshole 

absolute loser: what the fuck…………

lewhoreo: woah what

lewhoreo: HAHAHASJKDBDJ

lewhoreo: rip 2 killua ig 

pika: Rest in power 😔🙏

lewhoreo: rest in penis 

absolute loser: what the fuck thats so homophobic 

lewhoreo: i am bisexual you fucking foot

absolute loser: ha gay 

lewhoreo: tell that to gon 

frog: What???

frog: I saw my name :0

lewhoreo: yea im talkin abt how gay u and killua are 

frog: What!! We arent gay..

frog: We just go on dates and sometimes kiss and he holds my hand but like??? That doesnt make us gay were just homies yknow 

frog: Homie kisses

pika: Gon, shut up 

pika: You are blushing

pika: You have been blushing since this was brought up 

lewhoreo: u guys are together??? 

pika: Yes

pika: I bribed him to give me admin, so I’m taking him to 7/11 and McDonalds in return

pika: I think 

**_[_ ** _ frog  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

pika: I look so awful there 

pika: God

pika: I promise I’m cuter than that :( This lighting does my skin so dirty 

frog: You look exactly the same??

pika: WHORE

***

**_[Leorio, Gon.]_ **

Leorio: YOU DIDNT TELL ME HE WAS PRETTYBVNCVBCNV VNV

Gon: Ohhhhhhh

Gon: I see whats happening here 

Gon: U totally have a crush on Kurapika !!!!! 

Leorio: what

Leorio: NO

Leorio: omghfnbfdjh no 

Leorio: hes just pretty

Leorio: very pretty 

Leorio: and he dresses well 

Leorio: who the fuck even owns ruffled shirts anymroe 

Gon: Kurapika does

Gon: He dresses like

Gon: Uhhhhh

Gon: A gay 1700s vampire 

Leorio: im not sure how accurate that is but FNBJHMBMVNBVN 

Gon: Sounds kinda gay to me ://

Leorio: shut the fuck up 

Gon: But dw 

Gon: He likes u 

Gon: I think

Leorio: you think

Gon: Yea idk 

Gon: I mean he took like a month and a half to talk to me and Killua without giving us the stink eye

Gon: So I think things are going well so far 

Gon: I can ask if you want though 

Leorio: sure?????

Gon: K

Gon: He said you seem kinda stupid but youre nice 

Gon: Basically hes already in love with you ;))

Leorio: what 

Leorio: shit dont add up luv x

Gon: Mostly hes rlly mean abt people he doesnt know well

Gon: But hes being nice even tho hes only known you for like 2 weeks 

Leorio: oh

Leorio: right 

Gon: Yea haha 

Gon: Oh were at 7/11 I’ll talk later]

Leorio: oh ok

Leorio: bye kiddo 

Gon: Bye!! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi come talk to me im lonely.. insta is damnkalluto or just comment or sumt idc i wanna talk to yall ur all big big sexy


	9. absolute loser: pees cutely

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Kurapika: Gon said you called me pretty?

Leorio: oh fuck

Leorio: i mean

Leorio: you are 

Leorio: sorry if that made you uncomfortable though 

Kurapika: No, no

Kurapika: I’m flattered

Kurapika: Though, it’s unfair that you get to see me whilst I’m having to entirely imagine your appearance 

Leorio: oh, right

**_[_ ** _ Leorio  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

Leorio: better?

Kurapika: Yes, thank you 

Kurapika: You.. aren’t too bad yourself 

Leorio: ty? 

***

**_[Kurapika, Gon.]_ **

Kurapika: Oh no

Kurapika: He’s hot

Kurapika: Very hot 

Kurapika: Please, Gon 

Kurapika: I’m in crisis 

Gon: HAHAHDBBNJJ 

Gon: Ur so dumb

Gon: Both of you 

Kurapika: Bitch

Gon: Seriously this is the second time Ive had this conversation today 

Kurapika: What?

**_[_ ** _ Gon _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

Kurapika: Oh

Kurapika: Excuse me whilst I scream into my pillow and maybe happy stim. Just a little. 

Gon: Aww!!! 

Gon: I knew you were secretly soft 

Gon: Killua owes me fifteen jenny now 

Kurapika: You were making bets on me? 

Gon: We make bets on everything

Kurapika: Including me

Gon: Including you 

Gon: When we first met you we had a bet on how long it would take for you to stop hating us 

Kurapika: Shut up, I didn’t hate you! 

Gon: X to doubt 

Kurapika: No, seriously

Kurapika: You were just dumb obnoxious fourteen year olds 

Gon: And you hated us 

Kurapika: No

Kurapika: ..

Kurapika: Perhaps A Little

Gon: See!!!! 

Kurapika: Anyway 

Kurapika: How come I never heard about Leorio until he messaged me?? 

Kurapika: I am your father I demand to know about these things 

Gon: I dunno it never came up I guess 

Kurapika: Bruh

Kurapika: And? 

Kurapika: That is no excuse 

Gon: Shhhhhhhh its fine u know him now 

Kurapika: Unfortunately 

Gon: You were gay yelling about him four minutes ago pika 

Kurapika: Don’t call me Pika 

Gon: But Leorio gets to??

Gon: ..

Gon: OHHHHHHHHHH

Gon: Its a gay thing. Got it 

Kurapika: You’re a gay thing 

Gon: -_-

***

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: why are we so mf quiet today 

absolute loser: ive had to resort to talking to bisky and her gym friends 

absolute loser: did you knwo that the most protein shakes you can drink before the lactose intolerance kicks in is 4 

frog: Sorry I was dealing w gay shit ://

pika: You are the gay shit 

frog: Haha Laugh Funny 

absolute loser: arent you guys together rn 

frog: Yea but I think hes peeing 

pika: EXCUSE ME

lewhoreo: cute 

absolute loser: pees cutely 

**_[_ ** _ pika  _ **_has removed_ ** _ absolute loser  _ **_from_ ** _ momento hermano _ **_.]_ **

pika: The next person to say the p** word will be bodyslammed into the concrete

lewhoreo: pee?

pika: Bodyslams you sexily 

lewhoreo: cums

pika: NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i get to hc pika as neurodivergent because i have a permit.
> 
> permit: 
> 
> i can do what i want.
> 
> -kxrapikaz


	10. lmfao stupid clown man gets decked by pretty boy in a blouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was SO DAMN SATISFYING TO WRITE god fuck hisoka all the homies hate hisoka.
> 
> i actually intended for pika to stomp on this motherfuckers ribs but after a mildly concerning conversation with my mother i concluded that it would be very much illegal and, thanks to plot convenience, pika cannot get arrested
> 
> so take angry boy yelling at hisoka very loudly, instead <3

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

frog: Hey there homeboys how do we feel about beating up a pedophile today?????

pika: Hisoka?

pika: Share your location, right now 

**_[_ ** _ frog  _ **_has shared their location.]_ **

lewhoreo: im in class rn but you better keep me updated 

pika: Of course 

pika: I’m on my way

frog: Cool!!! Im keeping him distracted 

absolute loser: what the fuck i need to watch this

absolute loser: @frog film it or something 

frog: Are you not coming??

absolute loser: i cant im w alluka and nanika rn 

frog: Ohhhhhh right 

frog: Yeah Ill film it 

***

frog: HOLY SHIT

frog: KURAPIKA JUST FUCKIN STORMED UP TO HISOKA

frog: YELLING AT HIM ACROSS THE WALMART PARKING LOT

frog: LIKE FUCKIN SCREAMING AT HIM AND SHIT

frog: hisoka just stood there like 😐 watching as this 5’7 college student in demonias and a blouse stormed up to him 

frog: ANYWAY KURAPIKA DRAGGED HIM TO AN ALLEYWAY ACROSS THE STREET AND CUSSED HIS ASS OUT

frog: IT WAS SO LOUD HE WAS JUST SHOUTINF AT HIM FOR LIKE 10 MINURES STRAIGHT 

absolute loser: DID YOU FILM IT 

absolute loser: PLEASE SAY YOU FILMED IT 

frog: OF COURSE I DID WAIT 

**_[_ ** _ frog  _ **_has sent an attachment]_ **

(a minute long video of kurapika loudly yelling at hisoka. in the background, gon can be heard cheering him on; melody stands somewhat to the side, an expression of half shock and half pride on her face.)

lewhoreo: HAHAHAHAHJDBVNK

lewhoreo: HOLY SHIT

lewhoreo: DID NOBODY CALL THE COPS?? 

frog: Dude we live in the middle of nowhere I dont think anyone cared?????? Also everyone here hates Hisoka 

pika: I can confirm that

pika: I think that was one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done 

pika: Hopefully there shouldn’t be any more issues with him 

absolute loser: oh my god 

absolute loser: the multiple inch difference rlly adds to it 

lewhoreo: yeah

lewhoreo: remind me to never get pika mad at me ever i dont think i would survive 

frog: Hes such a karen god 

pika: I am not a Karen

pika: I’m so offended

frog: Dude

frog: They gave me nine nuggets instead of ten and you threatened to sue 

pika: Because you got scammed!

pika: I didn’t pay for ten nuggets only for you to receive nine

pika: I was perfectly justified 

lewhoreo: god youre right 

pika: You bastard

pika: I hate you all

absolute loser: what are you gonna do? talk to the manager about it?? even your hair screams karen 

pika: BYE 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also!!! i have a couple of questions im so curious rn
> 
> 1\. how old would you assume i am based on my writing?? ive had people be genuinely surprised when i tell them how old i am (im fifteen, for the record) and i wanna know how old people are assuming i am based on nothing more than what i post here and maybe the notes at the end 
> 
> 2\. if i were to open writing commissions, would anybody be interested in that? it'd likely be done through ko-fi or paypal directly, but ill consider it more when/if people are genuinely interested :DD


	11. what do you want im in the middle of a fortnite match

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bcmdbj sorry for shorter update this is honestly just more of a filler until i write the next one oops

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Leorio: hey

Leorio: just wanna say thank u for standing up to hisoka 

Kurapika: No problem

Kurapika: I know full well that Gon wouldn’t have said anything; I love the kid, but he’s too trusting 

Leorio: exactly

Leorio: did you hear he’s under investigation

Kurapika: Really? No, I didn’t

Leorio: yea

Leorio: apparently a ton of people heard what happened and came forward abt it 

Kurapika: Oh my god 

Kurapika: That’s incredible 

Kurapika: How did they find out??

Leorio: gon posted it to tiktok and it got a shit ton of views 

**_[_ ** _ Leorio  _ **_has sent an attachment]_ **

Kurapika: I’m yelling brb

Kurapika: Does that say 10k??

Leorio: 100k, pika

Kurapika; Oh, right 

Kurapika: Sorry, I’m a little tired 

Leorio: have you slept?

Kurapika: I had a redbull at 4, I’ll be fine

Leorio: ????? its 8am 

Kurapika: I have more redbull, your point is irrelevant 

Leorio: please sleep, pika

Leorio: but not before drinking a glass of water and consuming an actual meal 

Leorio: granola bars and instant ramen arent exactly the peak of nutrition 

Kurapika: Fine

Leorio:  _ thank  _ you 

Leorio: but then sleep 

Leorio: dyou have classes today?

Kurapika: Not today, no 

Leorio: k

Leorio: wanna grab food whenever youre awake?

Leorio: together, i mean 

Kurapika: Uhh

Kurapika: Sure

Kurapika: Whereabouts?

Leorio: idk 

Leorio: you can choose if you want 

Kurapika: There’s a coffee shop not too far from campus, if you’re interested 

Leorio: sweet sweet 

Kurapika: Sounds good, then 

Kurapika: I’m going to get something to eat and then go to sleep 

Kurapika: Goodnight (Good morning??), Leorio

Leorio: gnight pika 

Kurapika: :)

***

**_[Leorio, Killua]_ **

Leorio: KILLUA

Killua: yea?

Killua: what do you want im in the middle of a fortnite match 

Leorio: firstly ew

Leorio: secondly i think i have a date w pika later 

Killua: NICE

Killua: wear the worm shirt 

Leorio: i will absolutely NOT wear the worm shirt 

Killua: why :((

Killua: he’ll love it 

Leorio: dude he wears ruffled shirts and blouses 

Leorio: he’ll hate it 

Killua: yeah??? he also has the largest meme collection on his phone out of the four of us 

Killua: im talking thousands 

Leorio: holy shit 

Killua: exactly

Killua: but if not the worm shirt then at least wear the socks 

Leorio: which socks

Killua: those ugly cat ones 

Leorio: fine

Leorio: ill wear the ugly cat socks 

Killua: epic

Killua: okay gtg gon’s getting pissy bc i stopped the game 

Leorio: lol

***

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Leorio: looking forward 2 later!! 

Kurapika: Same here :) I’ll see you in an hour? I can pick you up 

Leorio: works for me 

**_[_ ** _ Leorio  _ **_has shared their location]_ **

Leorio: heres the address

Kurapika: Thank you 

Kurapika: :))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just KNOW that gon and killua play fortnite together. gon has been asked to leave many, many stores for fortnite dancing too aggressively and accidentally knocking things over 
> 
> for those curious about the worm shirt:   
> theres a shirt on amazon (and coincidentally enough in my closet, too) that has a clipart image of four worms on a string, with the caption 'consciousness is an illusion, it's worm time babey!!!!!' in comic sans. its simultaneously the best and worst piece of clothing that i own.  
> heres a link to it if you want to visualise it: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Inevitable-Magic-Worm-String-T-Shirt/dp/B07SMXHJMD/ref=sr_1_14?dchild=1&keywords=worm+shirt&qid=1598101250&sr=8-14
> 
> also!! next chapter will likely be written out fully because mmm..... leopika date that isnt explicitly a date but is definitely a date..... just homies being homies and getting coffee and getting flustered.... entirely heterosexual.


	12. gay little leopika guys be like penis penis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is sort of dialogue-heavy and i use the word pretty one too many times (four, i think? which is semi-atrocious since this isn't even 1.5k words) but i hope you enjoy! 
> 
> title is from this meme:  
> https://me.me/i/gay-little-caesars-guy-be-like-michaelisokay-penis-penis-les-85d286c90fe64335920ed6d6cbac9ed8
> 
> awful meme, and i love it

When Leorio climbs into the passenger seat of Kurapika’s beat-up Ford, the first thing he notices is the almost comical height difference. Kurapika sits an entire head below him (Leorio has to sit hunched in order to avoid smacking his head on the roof of the car), looking up to make eye contact with Leorio. The second thing he notices is how beautiful he is. 

Kurapika was right; the lighting and Gon’s shitty phone camera come nowhere close to doing him justice. His skin and hair are well-cared for, his eyeliner sharp and his lips painted a pretty red. Leorio notices that he’s wearing the same ruffled shirt as he did in the photo, its neckline dipping tantalisingly low below his collarbone, revealing an expanse of pale neck. Leorio blushes. 

“Uhm, hi.” Kurapika is the first to speak, his voice almost breathy. He keeps his tone cool, and if there wasn’t a deep rouge currently making its way across his cheeks and down his neck (his beautiful, beautiful neck), Leorio would say he seems entirely unbothered. 

“Hey,” he laughs. Kurapika seems a little taken aback by this, a smile growing on his lips. 

“You sound nothing like I’d expected.” he says. Leorio arches an eyebrow. “Like… I expected your voice to be… higher, I think? I don’t know.” Kurapika is smiling wider now, seemingly repressing a giggle as he speaks. Leorio’s dumbfounded expression must be truly hilarious, he supposes. 

“I’m… sorry?”

“No, no! It’s nice. Don’t worry.” A reassuring hand finds its place on Leorio’s shoulder. 

“Right,” he laughs. “I’ll keep that in mind. Should we get going?”

***

It doesn’t take long for Leorio to come to the conclusion that Kurapika is an  _ atrocious  _ driver. He can drive in a straight enough line, and he knows how to control the brakes, but road safety laws seem to be nonexistent as Leorio grips his seat with white knuckles. 

“Holy  _ shit,  _ Pika! You just ran, like, three red lights!” Kurapika sighs, gripping the steering wheel tighter and accelerating before running his fourth red light in a row. 

“What are they gonna do? Arrest me?” He asks, glancing at Leorio with a grin. He restrains the urge to shout. Loudly. 

“Yes! That is  _ exactly  _ what they will do!” 

Kurapika curses under his breath, slowing down just a little as a police car drives past. Thankfully, neither of them get pulled over, though that doesn’t stop Kurapika from shooting the car the finger as it passes. Leorio laughs. “You have a nice laugh,” Kurapika says off-handedly. “You should laugh more.” 

“I would say the same for you, but I don’t think anything I’ve said so far has made you laugh.”

“That’ll be because you’re painfully unfunny,”

“ _ Wow.  _ I came here to have a good time, and honestly I am feeling indescribably attacked.” 

This makes Kurapika laugh, ironically enough, and Leorio swears that he is willing to do everything in his power if it means hearing it once more. 

“For the record, I’m not laughing because you’re funny.”

“Oh, of course not. Why would you do anything of the sort?” Kurapika snorts, pulling up outside the coffee shop and unbuckling his seatbelt. 

“I’m glad that we’re on the same page. Come on.” 

***

The coffee shop is comfortable and intimate, the deep smell of rich-roast coffee practically slapping Leorio in the face when he enters. The barista looks up, a young man with dark hair and glasses, and smiles at the pair. “I’ll order. What do you want?” Kurapika gestures to the menus above the counter, scanning them as he speaks. 

“Just a regular black coffee, please.” He nods. 

“Go find somewhere to sit?” 

Leorio does so without question, selecting a quiet booth in the far corner. From here, he can see the entire coffee shop, including Kurapika; he hadn’t noticed it before, but the latter seems to be wearing a red earring that glitters crimson in the artificial lighting and swings lightly against his neck as he speaks. It’s beautiful, and Leorio finds himself wondering what sort of stone sits so prettily, contrasted against Kurapika’s skin. His stomach clenches a little, a familiar sensation of butterflies swarming in his lower abdomen as he pulls out his phone. 

**_[Leorio, Killua.]_ **

Leorio: oh god

Leorio: hes so pretty 

**_[_ ** _ Leorio  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

Killua: looooool

Killua: kinda weird that youre taking photos of kurapika without consent

Leorio: shut your mouth 

Leorio: but seriously idk if i feel sick bc of anxiety bc im scared to talk to him or because hes too pretty for my brain to handle

Killua: all??

Killua: either that or u rlly need to shit haha

Leorio: god i hate you sm

  
  


“Here,” Kurapika’s voice causes Leorio to look up with a smile, watching as he places a cup down on the table in front of him. “Black, right?” 

“Yeah. Thanks,”

“No problem,” Kurapika says as he takes a sip from his latte. “So… how did you meet Gon and Killua?” 

“Oh! I tutored for Gon, actually. Kid was failing biology and his aunt wasn’t good enough at it to help him with high school level stuff, so I offered. I met Killua because he was staying with them -- before he moved in with Bisky, I think?”

“I see. It’s weird that we hadn’t spoken in the slightest, or even heard of each other, until that wrong number fiasco.” 

“I wouldn’t call it a fiasco,” Leorio mumbles under his breath, rolling his eyes a little. “But yeah. It is weird. The fact that we go to the same university and didn’t know each other is just damn spooky.” 

Kurapika hums, nodding. “I’m not complaining that we met, though. You seem nice, and you look out for Gon.”

“And Killua,”

“And Killua, yes. Thank you, honestly. I really haven’t been the best at checking in on them for the past few years.”

“Really? You seem… really on top of everything, actually.” This makes Kurapika laugh again, but there’s an air of bitterness about it that makes Leorio’s heart ache a little. 

“I don’t think you could be more wrong. There’s… a lot you don’t know about me; I make an effort to communicate because I can’t afford to lose anybody else. That’s all.” 

“Oh. I doubt you’ll lose them, though. Gon cares about you a lot, and I think Killua does, too. Even if he’s really shitty at expressing it.” 

“...Thank you, Leorio. Seriously, I appreciate it.” Kurapika leans over the table, placing his smaller hand on top of Leorio’s own with a warm (if not a little tense) smile. The contact makes Leorio shudder, and he’s almost certain that he’s blushing now. 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s whatever. Besides, you sorta deserve to be thanked after what happened with Hisoka.” Now it’s Kurapika’s turn to blush, his face turning a pretty shade of pink. 

***

All in all, the date goes smoothly; the coffee is good, and Kurapika manages to snag a couple of free croissants from the barista, which Leorio is glad about. On the way home, Leorio shoots off another quick text to Killua, to which the latter responds with a few fire emojis and some water droplets. Leorio doesn’t want to think about the implications that come along with that, and ends up slipping his phone in his pocket in favour of humming along to the radio. As it turns out, Kurapika has a lovely voice, high and smooth as he sings along to Europe’s  _ The Final Countdown _ , and the sight of the blond bobbing his head a little as he drums his fingers against the steering wheel is a sight that Leorio hopes to memorise for the rest of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this may be the last consistently posted chapter for this for a while :(( school starts back up in a week, and i have an almost painful amount of work to get done before then, along with upcoming tests and the disgusting inevitability of GCSES (sixteen years worth of work condensed down into fourteen exams at the end of year 11, for anyone not from the UK) 
> 
> so. priorities. apologies in advance!! ill attempt to sort out some kind of schedule to adhere to but i cant make any promises. please bear with me as i sort timings and revision out!! <3


	13. haha emperor stupid go brr!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i have work to do. yes i have a crippling fear of failure. yes i should be studying for multiple tests. yes i am procrastinating. we exist.

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

pika: Let's just say, for the sake of debate, that I am Emperor Stupid. Let's also say, theoretically, that I am a "twink" and that my lifespan is dramatically dropping.

lewhoreo: what

lewhoreo: pika what

absolute loser: ok ben shapiro 

frog: Wet ass P-Word <3

absolute loser: NO

absolute loser:  _ not  _ poggers

pika: What is poggers 

frog: Like

frog: Pog champ? Yknow??

pika: No??????

pika: Leorio, what is poggers? 

absolute loser: do not fucking tell him 

absolute loser: if u tell him ill kill u and default dance on ur grave and ill get gon to help 

frog: No!! Dont kill Leorio :(( Thats Kurapikas boyfriend you cant do that Killua

pika: HEY

pika: Listen up, shits

pika: Leorio and I aren’t even dating 

absolute loser: lmaoooo

absolute loser: leorio seems to think otherwise 

lewhoreo: BITCH

absolute loser: hahahahahahaha

absolute loser: yall gay as fuck 

pika: That’s ironic

pika: And also not news to me

pika: Nothing about me is remotely heterosexual, and Leorio openly stared at my ass so I doubt that there’s anything straight about him, either

lewhoreo: i

lewhoreo: you

pika: You aren’t discreet 

pika: But that’s irrelevant

pika: @absolute loser If you don’t shut the hell up I’ll tell Bisky about the chocorobo stash under your bed 

absolute loser: you wouldnt

pika: Oh, but I would

absolute loser: you are so cruel. you wound me.

lewhoreo: hey guys is nobody gonna question the emperor stupid shit 

absolute loser: nah

frog: Do we have to??

pika: I’d prefer if you didn’t, really 

lewhoreo: jesus fucking christ

lewhoreo: u guys scare me sometimes

pika: I do try

***

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Kurapika: Hey

Leorio: oh! hi!!

Kurapika: Yesterday was nice

Kurapika: We should do that again sometime…?

Leorio: yeah

Leorio: thatd be nice

Leorio: tomorrow??

Kurapika: That should work with me

Kurapika: Whereabouts were you thinking?

Leorio: my dorm?? pietro should be out 

Kurapika: Alright

Kurapika: Actually, I was wondering

Kurapika: Should we invite Gon and Killua? It’s been a while since I last saw them with school and such, and I think they’re convinced that we’re dating 

Leorio: shit ur right

Leorio: sure 

Kurapika: What time? Does 12pm work for you?

Leorio: yea

Kurapika: Great 

***

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

lewhoreo: @frog @absolute loser listen up fuckers

lewhoreo: we are hanging out at my dorm tomorrow and you will turn up 

absolute loser: ew no i dont wanna watch you and kurapika eye fuck each other for hours on end

pika: And I’d rather not have to sit through your amateur flirting attempts, but here we are 

absolute loser: ok wow 

absolute loser: you wound me

pika: Oh shut up 

pika: Anyways, we’re meeting at 12pm 

pika: And remember to tell Bisky where you’re going this time 

absolute loser: that was ONE TIME

lewhoreo: that didnt stop her from calling the cops 😐😐

absolute loser: fine

frog: Oh! Nice!! Ill be there :DD 

pika: I look forward to it :)

absolute loser: hey old man can i bring my entire wii 

lewhoreo: i  _ have  _ a wii

absolute loser: yeah

absolute loser: but i have all of the tracks and characters unlocked on mario kart 

lewhoreo: fine

lewhoreo: only if i can dibs luigi 

pika: I’m calling shots on Peach. If any of you fuckers touch her, you’re dead 

frog: I wanna be 

frog: Uhhhhh

frog: Wait omg I wanna be yoshi hes so cute :DD

absolute loser: ok ok fine 

absolute loser: i hope u know im gonna beat all of ur asses tho 

pika: Sure

pika: Whatever helps you sleep at night

lewhoreo: yknow what?? im still fucking confused about that emperor stupid thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the line 'Let's just say, for the sake of debate, that I am Emperor Stupid. Let's also say, theoretically, that I am a "twink" and that my lifespan is dramatically dropping' ao3 user kurapikano kurapika kinnie <3


	14. i want u died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> couldnt b bothered to write out the hanging out scene sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i mention that this is slow burn becausr this is definitely gonna be slowburn LMAOOO
> 
> yes kurapika and leorio half flirt and there are IMPLICATIONS at the end of this one. no they are not gonna get together until the end of the fic. sucks to be yall <33

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

frog: ARE WE READY

absolute loser: for what

frog: TO HANG OUT

frog: DUH

absolute loser: we hang out all the time tho? lmaoo

frog: No I mean this is the first time weve all been together at once!!! 

absolute loser: OH yea ur right

pika: 12, right?

lewhoreo: si jajaja

absolute loser: mint ill get bisky to drop me off 

pika: Which dorm number are you?

lewhoreo: 403

lewhoreo: and dw i made sure pietro left until tomorrow morning

lewhoreo: AND i cleaned

absolute loser: holy shit

absolute loser: king u never clean for us

absolute loser: the last time i was there u were growing an entire ecosystem in one of ur dirty dishes

frog: Yeah what used to be in that??? 

lewhoreo: uhhh

lewhoreo: i think she used to be chicken alfredo until she started ✨evolving✨ 

pika: What the fuck

pika: Leorio, that is SO disgusting

absolute loser: dude your dorm is LITERALLY no better

absolute loser: u had textbooks in ur kitchen cabinets :/

pika: Yeah

pika: Because I rAN OUT OF SPACE ON MY BOOKSHELF

absolute loser: YOU KEPT YOUR PLATES ON TOP OF THE STOVE

pika: AND? WHAT IS YOUR POINT

absolute loser: you are in no place to be mocking leorio’s pet alfredo 

frog: Idk man theres somethin about that alfredo that lingers in my brain

frog: At least the plates werent food 

frog: I can still smell Leorios dishes

lewhoreo: dude it wasnt that bad

absolute loser: it was absolutely that bad

frog: Yeah it was gross as fuck

frog: And thats coming from someone who has Ging as a father

pika: Father is a bit of an overstatement

pika: He can barely wash his greasy ass slimy hair let alone look after his kid

frog: Yea thats why Mito took me 

frog: Ging aint shit 

lewhoreo: ging freecss? who?? the only parents i knwo are leorio and pika sorry mito

absolute loser: if leorios gons mom does that mean i can have mito 

absolute loser: or melody

absolute loser: fuck it donate ur moms 

pika: For the last time

pika: Melody is MY mother and I refuse to share her

pika: I lived with her for a solid six years and she let me paint my bedroom walls black. Name a better mom. I’ll wait.

absolute loser: OH MY GOD YEAH

absolute loser: the black walls and ur shitty purple carpet were kinda a look tho

lewhoreo: im so confused

lewhoreo: who paints their walls BLACK

frog: Kurapika had a HARDCORE emo phase in highschool and Melody is a pushover 

frog: Do you still have those bvb posters tho.. 

pika: I think I DO

pika: What would you do if I told you I was wearing a MCR band shirt right now

lewhoreo: i simply would not believe u 

pika: Oh? 

**_[_ ** _ pika  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

a badly taken selfie of kurapika wearing demonias, black jeans and a my chemical romance shirt. there is visible pain in his eyes.

lewhoreo: holy shit

lewhoreo: why do you look like youve just watched someone die 

pika: These jeans are disgustingly tight

pika: Please

pika: I’m doing this for the aesthetic, but jesus christ

pika: How did I wear this shit DAILY when I was sixteen

frog: 16 y/o Kurapika was scary as fuck w his messy ass eyeliner and dan and phil lookin hair

absolute loser: DDAN AND PHIODLFNKJH=SFJ 

pika: EXCUSE ME??

pika: I am so hurt

lewhoreo: please say you have photos what

absolute loser: uhh

**_[_ ** _ absolute loser  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

another photo of kurapika, but taken from a far worse angle with the caption ‘i want you died’ (reference link in end notes)

pika: THE CAPTION

pika: Please tell me you didn’t scroll to the end of my Twitter for that

absolute loser: sorry king 

lewhoreo: HDHCJBJHSHJAASHSDBAHJ

lewhoreo: hatered

pika: God, I want you died

pika: Also, I’m here

pika: Let me in

frog: Im almost there!! 

absolute loser: lol im gonna be late sorry i wanted dunkin iced coffee 

lewhoreo: are you still at dunkin

absolute loser: yea were abt to go into da drive thru 😏😏😏

pika: Get me an iced latte? 

lewhoreo: i want one too wtf 

frog: Same!!

pika: No caffeine for Gon

pika: Get him a hot chocolate instead 

absolute loser: fine i hate u all 

***

absolute loser: i cannot fucking believe i lost 

pika: It’s not my fault I’m better than you at Mario Kart 

absolute loser: are you  _ sure  _ that was your first time playing 

absolute loser: how were you that good at rainbow eoad 

pika: I’m built different 🥶🥵🤙😏🔥💯😜

lewhoreo: hes a different breed 😩😩

absolute loser: PLS YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME LAST

pika: Sucks to be you

frog: Hey is nobody gonna bring up the fact that Leorio and Kurapika both disappeared into the bathroom at the same time earlier?? 

absolute loser: OH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this me projecting my questionable organisational skills onto these bitches? absolutely, if the three baskets of laundry sitting on my floor and the desk that i cant see due to the amount of papers on it are anything to go by. 
> 
> on another note!! i start school on tuesday lmfao who the fuck wanna PRAY for me!!  
> \-----  
> pika emo phase reference:  
> https://www.reddit.com/r/imveryedgy/comments/btphe4/i_want_you_died/


	15. chapter title? who's she??

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

Kurapika: Today was nice, I enjoyed it a lot

Leorio: yea!! it was nice to be able to see gon and killua again 

Kurapika: Oh definitely

Kurapika: Actually, I was wondering if you’d like to do it again sometime

Leorio: sure!! ur actually pretty fun once u get comfortable 

Leorio: should i tell the others??

Kurapika: Oh, uhm

Kurapika: I meant just us two

Kurapika: But of course if you’d prefer to have them there, too, then that’s okay

Leorio: OH

Leorio: no no that sounds good

Leorio: uhhh

Leorio: also

Leorio: about earlier?

Kurapika: I apologise

Kurapika: I… don’t know what came over me 

Kurapika: Did I overstep a boundary?

Leorio: not at all

Leorio: i liked it, pika

Kurapika: Oh

Kurapika: Right

Kurapika: Okay, then

Kurapika: I liked it, too

Leorio: great

Leorio: wait that sounded sarcastic

Leorio: thank you?? idk if i should be thanking u rn but it feels right 

Kurapika: Relax, Leorio

Leorio: right

Leorio: sorry

Leorio: so uh

Leorio: what does this make us???

Kurapika: I.. don’t know

Kurapika: I’m sorry

Kurapika: I can’t make a clear decision or even have an input at this point

Leorio: why?? is something wrong?

Kurapika: There’s just a lot I haven’t told you, that’s all

Kurapika: Fuck, there’s things I haven’t even told Gon and Killua

Leorio: ohh

Leorio: right

Leorio: i mean, take your time, pika

Leorio: i like you a lot 

Kurapika: I like you, too, Leorio

Leorio: rlly??

Kurapika: Of course

Kurapika: I don’t see why I wouldn’t

Kurapika: You’re kind, and so loyal that it’s almost scary. And you aren’t exactly terrible to look at

Leorio: AHA

Leorio: you think im hot

Kurapika: I never said that

Leorio: it was implied

Kurapika: Perhaps

Kurapika: Anyways

Kurapika: If you’d be willing to wait for me, maybe we could sort something out

Kurapika: I’m not sure how long -- it could be weeks, months, potentially years

Kurapika: But I promise that I’ll try to fix things

Leorio: pika

Leorio: id wait until the end of time for you

Leorio: seriously

Leorio: but also you need to be open with us 

Kurapika: I suppose so

Leorio: and im not gonna act like i know what youve been through because i really dont but i want you to remember that you have people that care abt you and love you?? and you dont need to go through everything alone or whatever?? like were all here for u and we all want the best for you and literally none of us wanna see u hurt. me, gon, killua, melody, mito, bisky, alluka, nanika, even fuckin neon?? were all here for you, pika 

Leorio: please remember that

Kurapika: Thank you? So much?

Kurapika: I don’t think you understand how much that means to me

Leorio: yeah yeah

Leorio: also maybe try to get more sleep

Leorio: you look dead on your feet

Kurapika: I guess so

Kurapika: Thank you

Leorio: no problem <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha leopika machine go brr
> 
> anyways apologies for no update for a solid week lmfao school truly has been a bitch and i simply have had no energy whatsoever !! but its chill we vibe ,.. straight vibin .....


	16. Shit Or Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning in advance this entire chapter is just a collective shit joke inspired by the concept of killua having to hold in a shart after drinking tonpa's friendship juice . i am so sorry
> 
> no coherent plot here sorry all i know is 11 year old humour and stolen conversations <3 plagiarism cute plagiarism sexy /j

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: so you know how kurapika and mister lay oreo went on a DATE yesterday 

absolute loser: who tf wanna talk about why i saw kurapika limping .

pika: Excuse me??

lewhoreo: HJDJSKXBCDJSK

frog: Huh?? They went on a date?? :0

pika: Killua, I swear to FUCKING God

pika: I am going to end you. 

absolute loser: cute

absolute loser: anyways yeah they went to taco bell 

absolute loser: dumb bitches didnt realise that i was there w alluka, nanika and kalluto 

absolute loser: and then they both went into the bathroom 

absolute loser: lay oreo came out first but when kurapika came out he was LIMPING

absolute loser: so!! lets do a poll

frog: Oh! Polls are fun yes lets do a poll

frog: .. Whats the poll about 

absolute loser: Why Was Kurapika Limping: Shit Or Sex?? 

frog: Shit

frog: Definitely shit 

absolute loser: i dunno man i think he mightve gotten fuckin rawed in a taco bell bathroom 

pika: Bitch, please

pika: I’m classier than that 

pika: Anyways

pika: I plead the fifth 

lewhoreo: jesus christ bro it wasnt sex 

absolute loser: so it was shit?? damn 

absolute loser: mustve been a fuckin fiery one ig 

pika: Please for the love of God can we stop talking about my asshole 

pika: I feel so unbelievably violated right now

frog: Hey wait that reminded me of the time Tonpa spiked some soda at a school event and Killua drank three cans of that shit 

absolute loser: oh god that was the strongest laxative i think he could find 

absolute loser: i almost died 

absolute loser: like . i think i lost half of my body weight 

pika: OH MY GOD YEAH

pika: I remember

pika: Mr Hill didn’t even do anything about it 

pika: I’m pretty sure he tried to give some to Ms Yorkshire though 

absolute loser: rip to ging though lmfao mf had to clean the bathrooms

lewhoreo: ging?? like? gons biological dad or 

frog: Dad is an overstatement

frog: But yes 

frog: God I miss when Kurapika was still in highschool shit was so fuckin funny 

absolute loser: i stg he hated us SO MUCH 

absolute loser: until i told chrollo to go suck neteros shriveled ballsack

lewhoreo: you did what

frog: OH YEAH

frog: He told this bastard in Kurapikas grade to go suck the principals balls because he tried to dress code Killua 

frog: Bitches get to be a hall monitor for 6 months and think they can do whatever tf they want 

lewhoreo: im so proud :,)

pika: Chr*llo goes to Hunter actually

pika: He’s in my forensic science class and I hate it

frog: Ew

frog: He was so nasty

lewhoreo: speaking of nasty

lewhoreo: why is there a video of gon eating a ramen sandwich on my phone 

absolute loser: what

absolute loser: sorry did i read that right 

lewhoreo: unfortunately 

lewhoreo: a whole ass pb&j . with ramen 

lewhoreo: and he ate the entire thing 

pika: I am so revolted

pika: Please that made me audibly gag 

pika: I think I feel ill, actually 

frog: ITS GOOD! 

frog: I promise :((( 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi in case of confusion between chapters 
> 
> leorio and pika went on a date but are not together ok cool 
> 
> credits to kenzie aka kurapikano for the entire shit interaction, and kenzies gon kinnie friend for the revolting ramen sandwich <33


	17. Rest in Power, Ugly Pie </3

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

pika: Hello my dearest children 

pika: I am going to cry

lewhoreo: what

lewhoreo: are u ok..

pika: No.

frog: What happened?????

pika: OK SO

pika: I WAS AT THE STORE AND I SAW APPLES, RIGHT?

pika: SO OBVIOUSLY I THOUGHT, ‘WHAT IF I MADE AN APPLE PIE’

pika: SO I BOUGHT THE APPLES. TOOK THEM HOME. 

absolute loser: dude you cant cook

absolute loser: i

pika: Fuck off

pika: ANYWAYS

pika: TWO HOURS. I SPENT TWO HOURS BAKING A PIE. 

pika: I CUT INTO HER.

lewhoreo: and??

pika: AND SHE WAS A SWAMP. MY PIE.. MY BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL PIE? SHE WAS SWIMMIN

absolute loser: oh my god ,........

absolute loser: pics or it didnt happen

pika: Oh god okay

**_[_ ** _ pika  _ **_has sent an attachment.]_ **

(a video of an Ugly Apple Pie. the camera pans, revealing a slice cut out of it. the pie dish is filled with liquid, and there are chunks of apple floating in it. kurapika can be heard yelling in the background.)

absolute loser: holy SHIT

frog: I’m not gonna lie 

frog: That looks worse than the brownies you made

frog: Which were like. Actually cremated 

pika: Please don’t say that

pika: I think I might cry

lewhoreo: oh my god

lewhoreo: pika.. u massacred her……

pika: I KNOWBHCBVBNBN 

pika: Rest in Power, Ugly Pie </3

absolute loser: this is SO funny bye 

absolute loser: you literally cannot cook why did you think this was a good idea 

pika: I KNOW.

pika: Pairo is a better cook than I am and he is literally blind

lewhoreo: ??><??>?<>>?”?”£$£%%$£>>??????????????????

lewhoreo: PLEASEHJDBDMBFHJK 

frog: God I miss Pairo

frog: But also isnt Pairo terrible at cooking?? :/

pika: Yeah. 

pika: Why the fuck do you think we live on takeout. We are broke college students who can't cook and don't own plates 

absolute loser: wait you still dont have plates??/?

pika: No

lewhoreo: dear god

lewhoreo: i am….. fearing for ur safety as we speak……… 

pika: Please

pika: I’ve been using styrofoam cups and paper plates for over a year now

lewhoreo: A YEAR??!;£:&!??????? 

pika: YEAH

lewhoreo: i….. 

lewhoreo: anyways 😁😁😁 praying for u 🥰

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is. almost entirely based on real events. i tried to make a pie. she was going well. until i took her out of the oven and she was fucking SWIMMING in water. where did the water come from? i dont know!! all i know is that she looks like a swamp. i almost cried. thank u kenzie aka kurapikano for witnessing this disaster. rip Ugly Pie :( you will be missed :((


	18. monster pipeline punch go brrr rin my gtyummy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is for shm00mzz exclusively if you arent carter leave /j

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: HEEHEE

absolute loser: just drank teo monsters in a row i am simply a wind up toy on steroids

pika: You.. You what?

absolute loser: monster pipeline punch go brrr rin my gtyummy

pika: They grow up so fast :,)

pika: I’m so proud of you, Killua <3

absolute loser: omg thank you dad .. just what i always wanted to hear 😩😩😩😩

lewhoreo: bye thats so depressing

absolute loser: you say that as if you have parents

lewhoreo: WOW OKAY

lewhoreo: i come onto this godforsaken fucking hell chat for 3 seconds and the children are already fucking bullykng me

lewhoreo: is this how onision feels 

pika: Did you  _ actually  _ just unironically compare yourself to Onision

pika: Is this your way of telling us you have a tiny penis? 

pika: Leorio, perhaps we need to discuss boundaries. You know that there are minors here, correct?

lewhoreo: fhdmsjbfh fuck OFF pika

absolute loser: omg omg king didnt deny it 😍😍😍

absolute loser: leorio has a baby carrot dick confirmed 

frog: If Leorio gets Onisions dick does this mean Kurapika gets Silentos asshole?

absolute loser: OH MY GODFHFDDKJB

pika: AAAND here we are, talking about my asshole. Again. 

pika: ONE DAY. I ask for one day where we don’t talk about my asshole or my shitting habits pika: But nOOooooOOO

pika: Of course not 

pika: Like, I get it, I’m hot, but is it necessary to treat me like a piece of meat? 😔😔😔

lewhoreo: damn pack it up hamlet kinnie 😐

pika: I have never felt more revolted in my life 

pika: I cannot believe you would ever compare me to an INFP

pika: RANCID. 

absolute loser: omg yall bisky just told me to not drink both monsters at once 

absolute loser: whos gonna tell her because it sure as hell is not going to be me 

frog: Bisky is gonna eat u :/

frog: Or like

frog: Force feed u protein shakes idk…

absolute loser: god . sounds like hell <3

absolute loser: they arent even the good ones

absolute loser: if they were chocolate i would TOLERATE them but NO

absolute loser: she had to get the fucking PLAIN ONES

absolute loser: this woman . i swear 

lewhoreo: do you want me to get some good protein powder

absolute loser: i want you to get me a bottle of cyanide if i have to consume one more protein shake. i swear to the lord and mother mary

frog: Arent you an atheist???

absolute loser: irrelevant <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this while INCREDIBLY caffeinated <34433333333 
> 
> 2 pipeline punch monsters in a row at approximately midnigjt go brrr my heart is vibrating in my ribcage rn


	19. leopika fisting au

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: leopika fisting au 😋😋😏😏

  
 **_[_ ** _pika_ **_has removed_ ** _absolute loser_ **_from_ ** _momento hermano_ **_.]_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> giggles


	20. KNYAE WEST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DT SHM00MZZ AKA CARTER WTF ILY UR EPIC ASF /P

**_(momento hermano)_ **

lewhoreo: one day i got pegged by a catboy and then my life changed forever

absolute loser: GOD WE GET IT YOU GOT PEGGED BY KURAPIKA

pika: ????? Excu s e me?????

pika: Who got pegged by WHO?

frog: Whats pegging??

absolute loser: man gets fucked in the ass lol

frog: Isnt that just sex

absolute loser: yeah but pegging is like. strap on

lewhoreo: ye

pika: KANYE

lewhoreo: IM KANYE???

lewhoreo: who is kanye

lewhoreo: like . i know who kanye is but . are you calling me kanye? is kanye there? just? omg kanye?

pika: ……..KANYE WEST?

pika: OH

lewhoreo: KNYAE WEST

pika: NO I MEAN YE BECAUSE

pika: HE CALLS HIMSELF YE

lewhoreo: YEEZY??

lewhoreo: PLS MY BRAIN IS SO FRIED ITS BEEN A LONG DAY 💔

pika: NO?

lewhoreo: WHAT

lewhoreo: IM SO CONFUEJSJEJEKDF

pika: NO HIS TWITTER NICKNAME IS YE

lewhoreo: I WOULDNT KNOW IM NOT ON KANYE TWITTER

pika: NO HIS ACCOUNT HE PUTS HIS NICKNAME AS YE!!!!

lewhoreo: YES I GET THAT BURBDKDND I DONT ENGAGE WITB KANYE ON TWITTER AT ALL I LITERALKY NEVER USE IT PLS

pika: I DONT ENGAGE W KANYE EITHER I JUS SEEN SS OF HIS TWEETS

absolute loser: what the fuck

absolute loser: what is HAPPENING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u epic gamer kurapikano aka jkeize for letting me steal kanye interaction word for fucking word wtf
> 
> pov im lewhoreo and i am stupid pls its 2am.. ah aha omg


	21. g status: listening to mitski and dying internally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired entirely by a comment thread on one of my instagram posts that i tagged as 'mitski' because mitski is gay people culture and i am gay people LOLOL

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: kurapika turn off autocaps challenge

pika: What?

absolute loser: it makes u sound like an old man

absolute loser: ur almost as bad as leorio rn

pika: fuck off

pika: i'm absolutely not as bad as leorio

pika: i’m so offended that you would think that

absolute loser: THANK you

absolute loser: anyways lolol

absolute loser: how are we doing homies

pika: g status: listening to mitski and dying internally

absolute loser: MITSKI

absolute loser: the way ur asking to cry 😍

pika: on god i simply might

lewhoreo: GOD

lewhoreo: stan mitski ig  🙄

frog: mitski!! i love her :D

pika: gay people culture ig 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i drank a monster like 2 hrs ago and im still vibrating lol who dares me to get another one rn


	22. absolute loser: BITCH IM A MOTHA. NO DRAMA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIII im back did u miss me

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

Yesterday at 11:16pm

frog: Yall the next time we meet we’re having a wake for my guinea pig

frog: he just passed away ✨😔

Today at 5:15pm

frog: Not even a word from yall, U make me sick 😟

absolute loser: MR BOJANG;ES??r?$??^$?^£?&

absolute loser: HE FUCKINFG DIED????

frog: YEAH </3

pika: mr who now

frog: MR BOJANGLES

frog: MY GUINEA PIG

pika: THE FAT ONE??

frog: YEAH

frog: He was highkey obese but I miss him

frog: Mito said the ground outside is too cold to bury him bc the soil’s like solid so hes sitting in a plastic bag in my trashcan right now

pika: a fitting death for a king

lewhoreo: sending thoughts n prayers to u, mito and mr bojangles

frog: Thanks shawtybae

absolute loser: hey can i add kalluto lol

frog: YA I MISS THEM

pika: wait do it holy shit

pika: what about alluka & nanika?

absolute loser: they got detention so bisky took their phones for a month but she let kalluto keep theirs because they only filmed it and posted it on snapchat

lewhoreo: oh damn what’d they do

pika: wait

pika: YOU WON CUSTODY??

absolute loser: HELL YEAH I WON CUSTODY

absolute loser: BITCH IM A MOTHA. NO DRAMA

absolute loser: also they punched a transphobe

lewhoreo: dear god i am so proud

absolute loser: ill add them both anyways but they wont be active unless they can convince kalluto to share their phone

absolute loser: which i know for a fact they will not allow

**_[_ ** _ absolute loser  _ **_has added_ ** _ Kalluto Zoldyck, Alluka Zoldyck and Nanika Zoldyck  _ **_to momento hermano.]_ **

Kalluto: oh hey

**_[_ ** _ Kalluto Zoldyck  _ **_has changed their display name to_ ** _ big sexy _ **_.]_ **

big sexy: much better

big sexy: ANYWAY yeah i can testify that allu and nani did, in fact, punch a transphobe

big sexy: they each took one cheek and socked him at the same time

frog: Omg

frog: Tell them we’re proud :3

big sexy: will do

big sexy: anyway, how is everyone

big sexy: dont tell me if its going to be obvious though

pika: tragic and gay

big sexy: god i said DONT tell me if its obvious

lewhoreo: HAHAH

lewhoreo: pietro almost set fire to the dorm again

big sexy: again

lewhoreo: yeah again

pika: blowtorch nuggets again??

lewhoreo: surprisingly NOT!

lewhoreo: i just walked in on him burning a textbook and when i asked what the fuck he was doing he looked me dead in the eye and said “studying”

big sexy: god i wanna meet him

lewhoreo: dont hes stupid

lewhoreo: highkey almost as bad as zepile is

absolute loser: thats saying something fr

absolute loser: anyway  _ @big sexy _ ask bisky if we can get takeout again

absolute loser: she wont say no to you also i asked last time

big sexy: fuck off ask allu 

absolute loser: shes downstairs i dont wanna MOVE

big sexy: ask nani then i think shes in their bedroom

absolute loser: nani wont do it shes scared of bisky

big sexy: what do you want

absolute loser: as much pizza as you can order with dads credit card

pika: what

pika: why do you have his credit card

big sexy: i stole it before i left

big sexy: ive already bought demonias and multiple boxes of strawberry pocky but theres still a shit ton on there so were just wasting it

pika: unironically would you buy me a case of monster ultra black

big sexy: you mean like the pallets on amazon??

pika: i meant like a 4 pack but how many come in each pallet 

big sexy: oh uhh

big sexy: 12

pika: get me 3

big sexy: sure do you want cheetos and some candy i need to spend another $5 to get free shipping

pika: ok sure

pika: thank u ly

big sexy: ly too 

absolute loser: @ _ big sexy  _ did you ask yet

big sexy: calm DOWN oh my GOD i am ASKING 

lewhoreo: why would you need to ask if ur paying

absolute loser: holy shit

absolute loser: kaka he has a point

big sexy: NOT KAKA

big sexy: HJAHDJFJJK

big sexy: but fuck ur right

pika: KAKA??

absolute loser: YEAH KAKA

absolute loser: allu nani and kaka

absolute loser: wait whats my cute family nickname

big sexy: pissbrain

pika: incredible 

frog: AHAHAHA

frog: Also sorry I wasnt online I was lurking and making a gravestone for mr bojangles

big sexy: hey you should keep him in your freezer

big sexy: keep him fresh until you can bury him 

big sexy: bisky loves you and mr bojangles she’ll let you bury him here

frog: OMG

frog: YEAH UR RIGJT

frog: BRB]

absolute loser: holy shit

absolute loser: is he actually doing it

frog: I hope mito doesn’t actually cook him

frog: Also YEAH I DID IT

absolute loser: goodbye!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fr though i am sorry for straight up disappearing off the face of the earth for a month and a half.. exams were brutal but here we mf are.. kalluto is real alluka is real nanika is real my crops are watered my skin is clear my depression is gone and momento hermano has returned from hell


	23. phuck

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

Nanika Zoldyck: What

Nanika Zoldyck: What is this??? 

absolute loser: NANI HI

absolute loser: this is killua by the way

Nanika Zoldyck: Oh!! Hi ^o^

big sexy: hey 

big sexy: this is kalluto

Nanika Zoldyck: Ohhhhhhh

Nanika Zoldyck: Who are the others? :00

big sexy: uhhhh  _ @pika  _ is kurapika and  _ @lewhoreo  _ is leorio

big sexy: im gonna assume  _ @frog  _ is gon? and then ofc me, you, killua and allu

Nanika Zoldyck: OOH

Nanika Zoldyck: Allu got her phone back.. she should be online soon!! 

Alluka Zoldyck: HIII (^._.^)ﾉ

Alluka Zoldyck: can we change our usernames??? 

absolute loser: go for it lmfao

**_[_ ** _ Alluka Zoldyck  _ **_has changed their username to_ ** _ allu! _ **_.]_ **

**_[_ ** _ Alluka Zoldyck  _ **_has changed_ ** _ Nanika Zoldyck _ **_’s username to_ ** _ nani! _ **_.]_ **

allu!: better 

nani!: OH this is cute!!! 

pika: hey omg

allu!: KURAPIKAAAA HI

allu!: GUESS WHAT

pika: what is it?

nani!: She spent dad’s money on switches

nani!: Like

nani!: For all of us 

nani!: -_-

big sexy: yeah mines yellow 

big sexy: allu i owe you my life ive done nothing . nothing but play breath of the wild for DAYS

absolute loser: its true. bisky’s getting worried

absolute loser: how have you been getting food?

big sexy: 

big sexy: i plead the fifth

allu!: kallutoooo you cant live on your stash of peach rings FOREVER! (－‸ლ)

big sexy: watch me

pika: dear god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is short im sorry but HIIIII projecting onto kalluto via my yellow switch and zelda time #swag
> 
> anyways if i were to like.. make a server on DickSword who would be interested .. i stole this idea from bel but idc idc i think itd be fun we could do game nights n competitions n shit


	24. discord swag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a chapter sorrie baes

https://discord.gg/G9S4V8YmpD

PLEASE ! i want friends there are sexy epic people in here im begging you


	25. how do you pee in someones mouth and make it not sexual

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

big sexy: ok

big sexy: hypothetically

allu!: i’m kinda scared already -_-

big sexy: i hate that you have such little faith in my thoughts

big sexy: but thats beside the point

big sexy:  _ @everyone  _ how much money would you need to be paid in order to pee in someones mouth

big sexy: it can be sexual or non sexual

pika: i-

pika: HELLO?/??@”?$?%>?

pika: are you okay

lewhoreo: how do you pee in someones mouth and make it not sexual

frog: They could be thirsty

lewhoreo: water?? are we forgetting that water exists????

absolute loser: they could be in the desert

frog: ^

big sexy: interesting but doesnt answer my question

frog: idk at least a hundred jenny

absolute loser: id do it for free

pika: dude

pika: you drink nothing but monster and youve eaten pizza 4 days in a row now 

pika: that shit would be radioactive

absolute loser: irrelevant

nani!:  ✍️  killua  ✍️ would  ✍️ make  ✍️ someone  ✍️ drink  ✍️  his  ✍️  acid  ✍️  piss  ✍️

allu!: thats kinda gay 

big sexy: fellas is it gay to drink ur homies acid pee

big sexy: anyway i would pee in someones mouth for like 500 jenny

frog: You would do anything for 500 jenny

big sexy: EXACTLY. you get it

big sexy: peeing in someones mouth is nothing if youre getting bank for it

pika: you make a fair point

pika: i would also do it for 500

lewhoreo: i ??? WOULDNT DO IT goddamn yallre messy

big sexy: coward

pika: coward

allu!: coward

nani!: coward

frog: Coward

absolute loser: coward

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by a conversation with my mother. do what you want with that information
> 
> also sorry this is short


	26. gon freecss more like gon-na fuck your bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCKING GIGGLES

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

frog: Gon freecss more like gon-na fuck your bitch

absolute loser: so true 🙏🙏🙏🙏

lewhoreo: HELLO???

lewhoreo: please stay away from my bitch

pika: who is your bitch?? what?????

lewhoreo: you can be my bitch any time babe xo

pika: ok

lewhoreo: wait what

pika: if you want me to be your bitch i can be

lewhoreo: ?>?>?%?£??””??>???%^%££%£??%????

**_[Kurapika, Leorio.]_ **

lewhoreo: what do u mean help

pika: i

pika: leorio

pika: god you really are dense

pika: fuck

lewhoreo: ?????// _????????? _

lewhoreo:

lewhoreo: WAIT A SECOND

pika: ?

lewhoreo: is this a really really really really roundabout way of asking me out 

pika: i

pika: you seem surprised

lewhoreo: thats because i AM

pika: why?

lewhoreo: why would you want to ask me out lmfao 

lewhoreo: i mean youre like . genuinely irl ethereal and im just kinda here yknow

pika: shut up, you’re insanely good looking

pika: and you have a heart of gold, and you’re selfless to a fault

pika: what isn’t there to like?

lewhoreo: Oh

lewhoreo: Okay

lewhoreo: in that case uh

lewhoreo: do you? wanna be my s/o??

pika: of course

pika: <3

lewhoreo: !!!!!!!!! <33

**_[momento hermano.]_ **

absolute loser: holy fucking shit

absolute loser:  _ @big sexy @nani! @allu! @frog  _ HOLY FUCKING SHIT

big sexy: wait 

big sexy: who asked who out

big sexy: i put 50 on kurapika

allu!: mmm

allu!: i think leorio probably 

nani!: me too?? 

absolute loser: nah it was definitely kurapika LMFAO leorio b like *coward noises*

big sexy: LMFAOOO EXACTLY

frog: No I have faith in leorio !! :D

absolute loser: ok so if it was kurapika then kallu and i get 50 jenny each if it was leorio then allu nani and gon get 50

absolute loser: is that right

big sexy: yes

big sexy:  _ @pika @lewhoreo  _

pika: oh

pika: uh

pika: it was leorio actually

allu!: YES

frog: Good job !! I’m happy for u both ^-^ 

absolute loser: can i officiate the wedding or

pika: absolutely not

lewhoreo: wedding??? hELLO????? 

absolute loser: but uhhhh well done old mf

absolute loser: good job or whatever 🙄🙄🙄

lewhoreo: ok ok dont push yourself to be decent 

lewhoreo: 😐😐

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okokokokokokokokok . ok . 
> 
> firstly thank u ???/3/?>4/£.?>??>?>?>???/"??"????/???? for 10k hits i irl fukcing yelled when i saw what the fuck ... cannot belueve 10k people saw this shit and saw my piss jokes and went "yeah yup yes this is good literature" i ????? 
> 
> anyway As A Treat . you may get canon mh-verse leopika ur welcome babe 
> 
> this is short and also very poorly written though i am sorrieye 🙏
> 
> anyways idk how normal people ask each other out bc i straight up asked my girlfriend out with a meme and she fucking sent it back to me so uh ..,.,.,.,.,.............................................................. sorry once again !


	27. aw shit man they kilt him

**_[momento hermano]_ **

frog: Yall know how u can shape a babies head after its born cuz its bones arent set

frog: Do you remember those square watermelon molds?

frog: Nahh BITCH ILL MAKE MINE A STAR

frog: BUT LIKE NOT A NORMAL STAR

frog: I feel like if I let my brain out on a walk it would run away

lewhoreo: one day in gons head. thats all i want

lewhoreo: one FUCKING day 

lewhoreo: and then i can finally die happy

pika: gon?? are you………… okay………….

absolute loser: aw shit man they kilt him

pika: >>>?$>???$??&?$£??%/???

lewhoreo: hes died

lewhoreo: this is so sad

lewhoreo: rest in peace lil bro

absolute loser: hope he says hello to mr bojangles in the afterlife 😓😓😓😓😓😓😓

pika: NOT MR BOJANGLES

big sexy: werent we gonna bury him at our house or smth

absolute loser: i think

absolute loser: i dunno though i never spoke to bisky

big sexy: ohhhhhhhhh

big sexy: what if we just dont tell her lmfao

pika: incredible

pika: i approve

allu!!: are we not gonna talk about gon saying that his brain would run away

absolute loser: no thats actually quite Accurate

lewhoreo: thats true

lewhoreo: mans hasnt had a coherent thought ever

pika: neither have you, love

pika: i think its quite self explanatory who carries the braincells here

lewhoreo: i am literally in a med course shut your fuck

pika: ok?? and??/?????? 

lewhoreo: lichrally fuck u

pika: ;)

absolute loser: NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u millie for letting me profit off ur messages . u wont see this but thank u regardless mama

**Author's Note:**

> since this is getting long now!  
> kurapika - kurapeeka haha piss joke/pee man/pika  
> leorio - lewhoreo  
> gon - frog  
> killua - cool man/absolute loser  
> kalluto - big sexy  
> alluka - allu!  
> nanika - nani!


End file.
